The "Heart" Diaries - February 26

Tuesday, February 26 – 11:03 p.m. 
The last week has been a struggle, adjusting to a “new normal”. 
In nearly an instant, I went from thirty-plus miles a week as a distance runner, to not being able to run a step under doctor’s orders. The culprit is a heart condition that has yet to be fully diagnosed. 
When something is as significant a part of life as running has been for me the last several years, to be suddenly and forcibly separated from the sport has been hard to say the least – especially with all the unknowns. 
I don’t know exactly what I am dealing with, or how long I might deal with it. In short, the road ahead is very clouded, which for someone like me makes the present very frustrating, especially when I still feel every bit the healthy capable runner I was prior to last week’s potential diagnoses. 
But there is a problem, one which I do not know the severity, duration or outcome of, and the uncertainty has been both fearful and stressful, to say the least. 
A lot has gone on in my head with this the last week or so regarding this, so much so that even putting words to it has been a fruitless challenge up to this sleepless night.   
But before I was a runner, I was a writer, and the pen (or in this case the keyboard) has always been one of my primary means of processing times of uncertainty and adversity. 
And some of what’s gone through my head the last week, I cannot say I would be extremely proud of.  
I have battled a lot of fear and doubt and a great deal of anger and frustration over the circumstances presented. These are expected in times of struggle. 
But the emotion which most concerns me is one I recognized today, one which crept in almost without my realizing it – apathy. 
It’s the point where I had almost completely resigned myself to the very false hopelessness and permanancy of the trial that I was to the point of letting go of the determination, discipline and perseverance that has developed in me as a distance runner, and moreso as a man of God, the last several years.  
And that apathy and the resignation and self-defeating stagnation that comes with it is a condition of the heart far worse than anything that might be wrong with the physical blood-pumping muscle. 
In short, the Enemy has tried to sneak a lot of crafty lies into my head and my heart over the last week or so, all of them dangerous, even deadly, if they are allowed to take hold. 
All of the lies center around one thing. It's all about me. What is being taken away from me? Why is this happening to me? Plus a million more “me” questions, all of them self-defeating, because they all take our God, who is in control of all things, out of the equation, when, in fact, He is the equation, He is the solution.  
In fact, I understand now, it really is not about me at all. 
Scripture says, in more places than I can reference here, that any trial we endure is meant for His glory, to share His love with the world, and in the process to grow us closer in relationship to Him. 
So now, as I move further into working through this new “normal”, I frame this in that context. 
How can the Lord use me, and use this condition, to grow my relationship with Him, and to reveal His love, His grace, and most of all His majesty to the world? 
It’s understanding, as Joseph said, that this circumstance, though it seems dark at the time, is meant for something much greater than I can imagine, if I will simply take my hands off the controls, banish the worry and the self-depreciation, trust Him fully, and allow Him to work in whatever way He chooses through it. 
And with that mindset, I hang onto hope, perseverance, and determination, knowing He is with me every step of the way, and He will be there, faithful, and the outcome is in His hands. 
And so I press onward toward the finish, albeit slower than I am accustomed to, which is the eternal hope I still have in Jesus Christ, no matter what storm the world may throw my way. 
I know it’s cliché, but it is true – if the Lord has brought you to it, He will bring you through it. It makes me think of a VeggieTales song Makenzie likes to listen to almost daily. 
“God is bigger than the boogie man.”  
There is nothing that is too big for His hands, nothing He has not overcome by His death and resurrection, and no one too unimportant for Him to pour out His love and mercy on when we cry out to Him in our time of need.
Whatever happens, I know it is not about me, and I know He will do great things through it. It is this knowledge that will see me through, that will heal any affliction of the heart, and calm any storm that rages within me. 
If you read this and there is a mountain of affliction that looks to large for you to climb right now, I pray that you don’t give up. Remember His love that is greater than all things, and His power that can overcome all things, and take that knowledge and put the mountain you are facing into the hands of the Mountain Mover.
And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.” Philipppians 1:6, NLT 
Don’t give up, because He’s not finished with you yet. 

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